Surviving Infidelity

Dr. Scott Haltzman provides a pro marriage perspective and provides much needed rules for behavior in marriage.  This review will provide some basic understanding as to why people cheat and what rules can be used to strengthen a marriage, prevent future infidelity or establish rules following an affair. 

How many relationships experience infidelity?  No one knows!  Most people lie about an affair, so to get an accurate survey is nearly impossible.  We know they are not rare. It is at least 50% of all relationships.  It is no surprise that over 50% of marriages fail. 

So, why do people cheat?  Of course, there is no simple answer and everyone is unique.  But in numerous surveys, there is a natural decline in relationships that increases vulnerability to affairs.  There is also a rush of dopamine, like a drug, when attraction and affairs occur.  Some common reasons affairs occur include: it makes them feel attractive, the marriage may have become problem focused (focus of annoying habits), the allure of others, lack of morality, and addiction or flame addiction (dopamine increases with attraction). 

In college, I asked an instructor who was considered an expert in infidelity, Why do people cheat?  She said, "because they can."

Dr. Haltzman also says reasons for affairs include sexual enjoyment, curiosity, excitement, intellectual sharing, understanding, companionship, ego -bolstering, career advancement, and getting even with a spouse.

Dr. Haltzman recommends the following rules:

1.  End the affair.

2.  Sever ALL connection with the person

3.  Create a "see-through" marriage- create transparency where all communication is accessible including phone, email, facebook, tweets, google+.  There will be no secrets including charge accounts, bank accounts, phone and text records

4.  Make time to talk.  Do ask, Do tell.  The cheated on partner can ask any questions about the affair and the one who cheated must answer all questions openly and completely.  Clarification questions are fine and are to be answered.

 

Following an affair, it is important to express feelings, for both parties.  This is an excellent and common reason to see a counselor.  Sometimes it is helpful to have a person to mediate and help you identify and validate the emotions you may have.